Monday 18th December 2006

Today I have been in hospital for four weeks. In one way it has gone incredibly quickly; in another it has seemed like eternity. Dad has finished my room at home - all the bits and pieces need returning now, which will probably take longer than the decorating. Am v excited bout seeing it and so glad it's been redone - it was so tatty and dark before that it seriously depressed and opressed me; also I associate the old room with feeling the worst I have ever felt in my life.

Prof Smith, etc are coming round this afternoon. I really hope they say I can go home tomorrow - will be gutted if I can't.

This past month, well couple of months, has made me realise how easily we take things for granted. It's human nature but it's also dangerous. The nurse who did my obs last night told me her story where she had recovered from a serious infection in her legs but woke one morning to find one side of her body completely paralysed. She had a 9 month old son and a 3 year old daughter and had made plans to do this, that and the other and then woke up unable to move. She called for an ambulance and was rushed to hospital. After treatment she was 100% ok in 2 days. She said it made her completely believe in God, but also that we need to take each day as it comes and be tahnkful for the life we lead each day. I agree wholeheartedly. It just really struck me today that even though I have cancer I am incredibly lucky and blessed. I will recover from this and have the qualifications and opportunity to do whatever I want to do. I have had a wonderful life so far and feel that after experience I will have an even more beautiful life.

I have the most amazing and supportive parents in the world. The way that they have raised me; the education, opportunity, encouragement, love and care they have given me is beyond compare; and the truly liberal and outstanding way in which they treated my 'coming out' is exceptional. We are all going to have our own journeys to complete over the coming months, and our own demons to face, but we will do it together and I don't know many people that are lucky enough to have that support. What I'm trying to say is that my life could have been v different before and I didn't really appreciate that. It is a v surreal thing to say that getting this disease has been like receiving a gift, but it is. My eyes have been opened totally; my opinions wildly transformed; my outlook completely changed.

However, and I don't know if this is an incredibly vain thing to note, but I am getting increasingly upset about being bald. I think that's going to be the most distressing part of all this. I know my hair will grow back after treatment (sometimes it grows back a different colour and texture - hope I don't get a ginger afro) but having no hair and this PICC line in my arm does not inspire the words 'sexy' or 'vibrant'. Still, I will hopefully lose some weight on Chemo (really hope I don't gain it); have my skin returned to normal and the itch permanently removed; and my hair restored - I will be Kylie at the end of this, although maybe not as short or Australian.