Sunday 11th March 2007

I cannot believe that it has been 2 months since I wrote in this dairy. Chemo is becoming a real drag to be honest. It's so good to be back in Brighton but having to drive back each Thursday for either Chemo or blood count is slowly sending me under. As is the nausea after Chemo (new more effective anti-sickness tablets - pah! Rubbish!) and the irregular periods, and the water retention, and the gradual hair loss, and this hideous line in my arm. I know it's all a process, but I'm fed up with it. I just want it to be over. My moods are very up and down at the moment. I feel quite lost in this new life of mine.

There was a quote in a magazine that really summarised my current state: 'Not changing isn't an option. I'm a different person, with a different life but the past is always with me.' I'm slowly adapting to my new life but the worry and fear and pain I felt (but never dealt with properly at the time) is really affecting me. I keep having very vivid nightmares, or I feel very tearful and anxious in the middle of the night, or I clam up and then snap at people. I'm going to pursue counselling. I need to talk about this with a neutral party. Writing helps, but I need to articulate it better and get some perspective. I guess I need to grow up and stop being so bloody middle-class about things. I must stop dwelling on the negative aspects and stop being so scared. I don't mean I should forget I have cancer (I don't think I could) but it's only one part of me and it will soon be gone (I hope!)

It's changed me - in so many ways - and most of them positively. I've got a real sense of what matters now. I wake up everyday pleased that another day is happening. I've got the time, money, resources and support to do whatever I want and I am so fortunate for that. On Friday I hated going to Frimley Park. I SO nearly turned around and walked away but I remembered that I would be able to leave after the appointment. Not everyone can. I'm not disabled, my grotty skin is slowly healing, I can come and go as I please. I'm one lucky sod and I don't want to waste this 'time off.' I know I'm going to have an infection that will hospitalise me at some point and that is fucking scary...but for now...take each day as it comes. What will be, will be. It's beautiful outside. I stood and watched the sun sparkle on the sea and felt really happy and alive and I'm going to stop wanking on now cos I'm boring myself senseless.