Tuesday 13th November 2007

Complete change for the better! Went to the V and A, on Friday 2nd, with Mum to see the Couture exhibition (which incidentally was absolutely fabulous), went round the shop and purchased 'The Bunnies Fall' print (that everytime I look at reminds me of receiving this good news) and realised it was 3.30pm and Dr A hadn't called. So Mum and I sat in the main hall and rang the hospital. Put through to Dr A's secretary who was on Annual Leave. Then put through to his office where no-one answered. Then after waiting on hold for them to page him he called me back.

Apparently the X-Ray guys weren't at the meeting. The Radiotherapist was and they agreed that Radiotherapy is just too dangerous due to the 'area of suspicion' being near my heart and lungs. However, they were also in agreement that it wasn't enough of a problem to warrant more chemo so they want to do another PET scan in Jan/Feb to check that I'm still in remission.

It was the strangest feeling. Completely shell-shocked. A bit like being given a million pounds but told that you're not allowed to spend it just yet. I don't think the group of Italian tourists sat near Mum and I will forget their trip to the V and A in a hurry though!

And so I think this will be the last entry in this journal for a while (which is good as I'm running out of pages). Am planning a trip to Cuba with Mum for December, and then hope to go to Singapore to visit Nicole for a couple of weeks and then on to Sydney to visit Susie for another couple, in Feb/March depending on when the scan is. Job wise I think I'll temp for a while. I've got a lot of office experience and if I hate it I just won't go back. "I know I'm not making plans, but I hope that you can understand, there's a reason why."

This past year has certainly been the most eventful of my life. So much has changed and yet so much hasn't. I could not have got through it without the love and support of my friends and family. I owe them everything.

On the way home from the theatre last night Antonia asked me what the 'me of last year' would say to the 'me of now' and I replied "Everything will be OK"...and it will.

Text to everyone:

It's good news! They don't think it's enough of a prob for chemo so will have another scan in feb to check am still in remission. Have hardly any battery so turning phone off now but hoorah! x

Text responses:

Lauren: Oh Pip, am so so so so so pleased! I think we should have a big big party!!! x
Gaby: Thats fab news babe! Am v excited for you! We will have to celebrate soon. Xxx
Charlie: That's amazing news! So happy 4 u. Give me a ring at the weekend 4 a proper chat.
Robert: Oh honey that's wonderful news im so fucking pleased u don't need chemo! Im really really pleased thats the best news iv heard in a long time! xxxx
Laura: Wonderful news! Have a hen do this wknd. Will have a drink on you! Have fab time in London. Speak early next wk. Lx
Glenda: That's bloody brilliant news. Really happy for you Pip. Have a good night of celebrations, you certainly deserve it. Speak to you soon x
Ellie: Yay! Baby i'm so happy for you you really deserve it! I'll bake you a cake next time I see you. Well, I'll buy you one. Well, I'll get you to buy one and pay you back. Then not pay you back. Then eat it all myself. Yay! Celebrate! Love you x x x
Lucy S: Woohoo! That's fab news. Have yourself a lovely wkend and catch up soon x
M: Yeah! Great news love. Congratulations innit x
Lucy E: Brilliant news! I'm so pleased for you Xx
Rossboss: Thats great news! Now I can cheer. Woo. X
Daisy: For when you're phone's charged - hooray! Will still come and see you soon x
Lucy Jerk: Marvellous! Great news my sweet! Love you my love x
Wench: That's wonderful news, take care and make sure you keep in touch! X x
Becca: If ever there was a reason for a celebration. Hope u had a good night out. U must come round for a celebratory tea and cake...Xxx
Becky: That's fantastic news! So pleased for u! Xx
Emma: Ah that's great news pip. Am all well and enjoying life in London. Will be in town this month so we can celebrate soon x
Dy: Great news! I'm still drunk! Oh dear...Ur great xxx
Sarah: YYYAAAAYYYYY! YYYAAAAYYYYY! Hope KT was fab angel. See you tomo! Love etc XxX
Toby: Glad to hear the results were good Pip! Snap with the hangover - it feels like someone has sneaked into my bedroom last night and put sand in my eyes. Tx
Riley: Great news! Go pip body! All fine here, see you on return Xx
Angela: Excellent! I'm so pleased! We must celebrate! x
Oli: Superb news x
Simon: Hello my darling. Sorry I've not been in touch, rubbish as always! Glad to hear things are going better! We must do lunch soon. Toby and I were saying it would be nice to get together with everyone at some point xx
Jackie: That's great news pip. Am so pleased for you. Hope you're enjoying the sun today. Take care x
Antonia: Yo dude...when you back in Brighty? Give me a bell...by the sounds of things a smart dinner is on the cards. Congratulations on the good news! A xx
Thunderbat: That's fantastic news for your results! I hope you've continued your drunken status for rest of wknd. I'm stuck in heathrow waiting for my luggage...I think I'm about to witness luggage rage, the people are looking fierce x x
Katie P: Oh how fantastic my darling! So happy for you! Will catch up soon and enjoy your couch potato sunday! Xxxxx
Caroline: Hello you! Great news about the scan, you must be so relieved. Cancer ain't got nothing on you! School makes me tired but I hope I'll see you soon xx

Thursday 1st November 2007

Bugger. Shit. Wank. Arse. Jesus titty-fucking Christ. PET Scan results were confusing. Apparently several areas had appeared to have taken up the sugar, several areas that weren't affected in the first place, including the colon and the pelvis indicating Diveticular disease which only occurs in the elderly and so doesn't make any sense. The experts were unable to get onto the machine to view the images (as the machine is at a different hospital) so they're sending a CD-ROM over to review at tonight's Lymphoma meeting. Dr A will then phone me tomo with the consensus and the plan ahead.

Dr A explained that the uptake in several areas could be due to 'Brown Fat' distribution which is perfectly normal in a young person. However, there is trace uptake in the node they thought might be scar issue so it oes appear to be active disease. The options are a short course of radiotherapy (5 minutes a day for 2 weeks), although because of where the node is (near the lungs and heart) and radiotherapy having its own set of problems, the better option might be ESHAP chemo. Here they admit me to hospital for 6 days. They put in a double lumen line, remove my stem cells, continuously pump in the chemo drugs, and then give me back the stem cells at the end. Either way I'm fucked off quite frankly, but just have to go with the flow. Am getting used to waiting around for disappointment.

On the positive side I'm off to London tonight to stay with Rebecca for a few days. Am seeing KT Tunstall in concert today, going to V and A with Mum tomo and seeing Lorna and Mark in eve, then Shaolin Monks show for Dad's birthday on Sat eve followed by drinks in Covent Garden for Eli D's birthday. Woop, woop!

Thursday 30th October 2007

Results Day Part 2 is tomo. To say I'm nervous, worried, tense, stressed, apprehensive, anxious and any other synonym of the aforementioned is a little understated. Basically, I'm bricking it.

However, to put it into perspective...if the worst comes to the worst then I'll just have to be zapped a bit more. It's curable and I will be cured. Just takes a longer time.

It seems so bizarre that it's been a year now since I first fell ill. This time last year I was lying in the bed I'm currently writing this in, unable to do anything except sleep and stare at the wall/ceiling. Even listening to audiobooks/music was too demanding.

I feel this year has occurred to another person. I cannot quite believe that it's me that's gone through this. Maybe it has been a subconscious coping device. It's just that when I reflect back on everything I still cannot quite grasp that it's happened, and it's only since finishing treatment that I realise how tough it was.

I just really hope I can go in tomo and come out with the all clear. More than anything. Please, please, please.