Thursday 14th Feb 2008

Fed up. Had traumatic night. Line was v sore, with lots of puss coming out of it and I've retained 4kg in fluid so am bloated, uncomfortable and puffy. When I tried to call nurse for help she got stuck outside the door as my door handle came away in her hand. Can laugh about it now but was bit touch and go for a while.

Today is Valentine's Day. I don't think much of it, and have had some dire ones in previous years, but this years has to be the worst. However, Paul is coming down from Manchester to see me this pm and he has promised me the largest, grossest, most vulgar and ugly card...ever. Can't wait to see him.

K came from Brighton to see me yesterday. Stayed for 4 hours. Bought me some wicked unicorn gifts all prettily wrapped up in 'GAY' wrapping paper. Made her a card with a monster on the front of it and gave it to her with instructions to open it once home. She sent me a text saying: 'Well, thank you v much for the lovely card! Now want to shut my head in a door for not giving u card that I had in my bag. OK 2 call u tmrow sometime? Sleep well. Kx' So...she does like me...hooray! REALLY hope this progresses...she's wonderful!

Tuesday 12th Feb 2008

Feel much better today. Vomited twice last night but given some Ondansetron which cured it so had OK night's sleep.

Nicky Hallett sent me two books in the post - 'The Summer Book' and 'Fun Home' - to stave off the boredom.

Lucy R came to visit after work. Saw Lauren and Mark yesterday. They bought Perry (the toad) dressed in a nurse's hat and stethoscope...v lovely and v good to see them.

Have moved rooms 3 times today...now in room 6.

Took an age to shower this morning. Not allowed to get line wet and shower's fixed to wall so had to have flannel wash in smallest sink ever designed I think. Shaving my legs took forever. Gpt bored halfway through...I mean what's the sodding point really?

K's coming tomo...can't wait....I like her...lots...

Monday 11th Feb 2008

6.20am: There are no words to describe the horror that's just met me in the mirror...

8am: Just had lots of fluid pumped into me for start of chemo. Been weighed. 82kg. Blimey...no more biscuits for me! Have to inform them of each time I need a wee...have to then piss into a pan so they can weigh it. Surely that must be the worst job in the world?!

Midnight 10th Feb 2008.

Well...I'm back again. Ward G1 has been refurbished and is looking v plush and modern. Electric bed and chair as well as en-suite bathroom. Marvellous.

Line is still painful. Bruising's coming out more and when I move I can feel it stretching under my skin. Yuck.

just had the house doctor come in and ask me questions about past treatment, any allergies, etc. She looks quite gay but in a V HOT way...could make my stay slightly more pleasurable!

Can't turn off bathroom light, medical equips buzzing and from the noise of the clock you'd think I was trying to sleep inside Big Ben. Shut the f*ck up!!

Thursday 7th Feb 2008

Today has been the toughest day I think I've ever been through. The line went into the middle of my chest today. I had to lie on a narrow table with my head turned completely to the left. Part of my head was covered with a sheet as the radiologist made a cut in the base of my neck and between my breasts. The line was then tunnelled between the two points. The whole procedure was carried out while the sodding Lighthouse Family played in the background. I would never have it done under local again. It was too uncomfortable (more than I'd expected) and mentally damaging. I look like Frankenstein's monster. I thought having the PICC in my arm was gross enough, but this is ridiculous. I'm bruised, bloody and beaten.

Wednesday 6th Feb 2008

So I got my results back last Wed...and they weren't exactly what I'd hoped for. The suspicious area has got larger and there's also an area in my stomach that wasn't there before, so I need to have ESHAP chemo. BUGGER!!! My tits looked fantastic on the scan photos though.

The plan means I'll have 3 cycles of 5 days continuous chemo, followed by 2 weeks rest, during which time I'll need blood tests 3 times a week. I'll also need to inject myself with GCSF again.

This time I'll have a line wit 2 lumens inserted in my chest....sexy! It'll be put in tomorrow, under local anaesthetic, at 2pm. Am scared.

Currently I'm having to do a 24hr urine collection so every time I pee I have to go into a jug and then pour it into a 5L bottle.

Apparently this 'salvage regimen' will make me bloated and bald. I'll feel sick and the steroids will make me an insomniac. After the 3 cycles I've got to go to UCLH in London to have my stem cells collected, more drugs pumped in, and then my stem cells put back. However, if my body doesn't respond to the ESHAP then we'll have to try something else.

Don't know if I can do this. I will do it - I mean, look at the aternative...but can I do it? Just got to focus on the good things. Everything will be alright...eventually.